complexdesires's Datingish

..choosing a drink..

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:44:30 GMT

so, one of the datingish writers submitted a blog about being asked out for coffee or a drink for a first date/meeting between two people interested in each other. the overwhelming majority of the responses were to choose the coffee. i disagreed and said it was strictly preference. however, that is not my issue. there were many people that rationalized choosing coffee because of the negative implications behind getting a drink. WHAT?!

let me see if i understand this correctly. getting a drink took on all of the following meanings and implications: guy asks girl to meet for a drink because he's looking to score immediately. guy asks girl to meet for a drink because he hopes the girl is easy. girl accepts drink invite because she's looking for a one night stand, too. wow. never knew this until reading these comments. coffee shop means intellectual conversation. bar means rowdy, drunken conversations that result in sexual escapades. coffee shop equals sophistication and maturity. bar can only mean one thing: sleezy & immature. gotcha.

but why? why does getting an alcoholic beverage become associated with wreckless behavior? i'm sorry, i guess that's my problem with some of these questions. the background information is left out and people assume the worst. why couldn't the situation people pictured have been two professionals meeting after work for a happy hour drink? [they're cheaper during this time, too!] i'm from a city that's known for it's nightlife and restaurants. there are TONS of nice bars and restaurants around Atlanta. so, if two professionals meet up for a drink, chances are they aren't going to your sleezy, hole in the wall, tasteless bar. i've been asked out for a drink plenty of times. and not once has it ended badly, in things i regret because my judgement was impaired. not everyone is an alcohol consuming drunk. some people actually drink responsibly. and know their limits. casual drinkers DO exist. and they're actually fun to be around! you only get drunk when you want to, it usually doesn't sneak up on you. if you order 5 shots of vodka, yes, you can expect to get drunk. if you order a martini and take it straight to the head, please expect your judgment to be impaired. however, if you order a single cosmo and drink it responsibly, you can expect to still have full control of yourself at the end of the night.

it just bothered me that so many assumed the worst in this situation. and passed judgement on those that would accept a drink over coffee. quite frankly, i'd accept either with the same grain of salt. it's strictly preference. one doesn't make me less of a mature, responsible adult. but i guess those that weren't open to meeting someone for a drink can be assumed to be stuffy and boring, sticking only to their comfort zones because they're afraid of they're own behavior. or willingness to step out of their comfort zone. i applaud anyone that has the guts and bravery to ask a woman out for a drink. and i applaud the woman that accepts without being afraid of what someone will think of her because she had a drink instead of getting coffee with a guy she wanted to get to know . impaired judgement comes from the wreckless behavior of the young and immature people. a meeting in a nice, sophisticated restaurant or bar CAN and DOES produce the same results as meeting someone in a coffee shop. lighten up.

..conversation..

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 19:07:24 GMT

so, i was listening to the radio during my lunch break yesterday. interesting topic. one that’s all too familiar in our society: when is texting appropriate. hmm, we’re all guilty of texting as much as we can, whenever it’s convenient, or just whenever. it’s become our choice of communication. cellphone minutes will soon be obsolete. ok, back to topic. a guy called in and told of a scenario dealing with texting. he was with a girl. she was pleasing him, while on her knees. [let's be nice about it, loL] however, he was texting his baby’s mama. ….. wait, did you read that correctly? yes. texting his baby’s mama while some girl was giving him the business. mind you, she knew he was texting and continued to do what she was doing. but, was he wrong?

he thinks no. the radio host called the girl at work to ask her opinion. she thought he was wrong for texting then, but was more upset at the fact that he was telling their story on the radio. hmph. he says that he was texting because the mom was having an “emergency.” this brings me to so many different issues going on here!

first, does he not respect her? and does she not feel she deserves respect? if she demanded his respect, his phone would not have been glued to his side while they were being intimate. and if he respected her, his attention would not be easily deferred to someone else, especially via text. second, once she saw that he was texting, repeatedly, why didn’t she stop him? or stop herself? that’s self explanatory. third, what kind of “emergency” was this that could be construed via text? i’m not sure, but it seems the term was used loosely. if the baby needed diapers, it could’ve waited. he obviously wasn’t going to get this young lady off her knees to run to the store for some diapers. if the mom had time to text this particular emergency, it wasn’t as important as he made it seem. she would’ve picked up the phone if it were life or death, right?

it just seems like so much was wrong with this situation. and it disgusts me in so many ways. not only supporting his side, but also understanding his side. he claims she knew she wasn’t his main girl, so she had no reason to be upset. ha. any woman that is willing to be that intimate better demand respect. she should demand that he treat her like more than just some girl. and if he refuses, she should get off her knees and respect herself, knowing she is better than that. idk, just a weird situation.

texting. a gift and a curse. has anyone written an etiquette book about it yet? anyone up for the challenge?

..reality love..

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:41:00 GMT

americans and reality tv. we will watch just about anything that catches our very short attention spans for longer than 5 minutes. and we will believe just about anything someone tells us. a few nights ago was the season finale of the bachelorette. don’t know which season number and not sure it’s relevant at this point. america loves to watch the heartache. it’s amazing to feel as though we can relate to someone, put ourselves in their shoes, even if for a fraction of second.

i have a problem with shows such as these. falling in love within a matter of days. seriously in love. maybe this is just far fetched in my world, but how can you honestly and sincerely be prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone after sharing them with 11 or so other people for a few weeks, eliminating one at a time?

we get so engulfed in the fairy tale romance that we forget, at the end of the day, someone is going to undeniably get their heart broken into a million pieces. however, they knowingly go into this process, not having much chance of their fairy tale coming true. and even if it does come true, what are the odds that it’ll be everlasting? of the 173 [sarcastic exaggeration] seasons of the bachelor/bachelorette, how many couples are still happily married? the only success story i can think of is trista and ryan.

the last season mimicked one of a previous where the chosen bachelorette was a rejection from the season before. hmmm. problem #1 i have with this scenario. this woman has been in the place of these men before. she has gone through the process of hoping and praying for a rose at each ceremony. she has had the chance of falling in love with someone who didn’t possibly feel the same way. and at the end of her show, she did make it to be one of the final two. but the bachelor picked neither women. interesting. so, she has undoubtedly had her heart broken. she was convinced that she loved him and that he would choose her. not quite, dollface.

so, in knowing what she now knows, and having to learn that at the expense of her heart, she chooses to put someone else in the same situation. but at the end of her season, she tells one of the guys, “i never wanted to make you feel what i felt” ARE YOU SERIOUS? the entire premise of the show is to ultimately pick one person over the other. so, how dare you say you didn’t want him to feel the way you felt. did you expect for him not to fall for you? were you anticipating not leading them to believe you were, in fact, falling in love with more than one person?

hmm, i guess i’m so passionate about the scenario because i’ve been told by someone that they wanted to “experience” other people for the simple fact of seeing what other people are like. ok, we’re young and entitled to that. but what about when one person has feelings, yet is put into an unfair competition with someone else? so much to think about. so much to consider. love is never fair. and it takes so much for it to be real.

..what about me?..

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:40:00 GMT

i’ve had a few conversations with various women the last few days. and i’ve learned i’m not the only one that wonders, what about me? i know everything happens for a reason. i understand that everyone has their story written and they’re just living it out. but have you ever felt someone didn’t “deserve” their happiness? as if you had done more or better things and you should be in their position?

i know this is quite a self-absorbed mentality. what makes you better than the next person when it comes to who deserves to be happy? hmm, not sure if that can be determined, considering our current circumstances on earth. but, being on that side, i can sort of explain why someone, especially a woman, would feel that way.

there are women that are in relationships and get everything they could ever ask for. it’s almost like a real life movie type romance, almost too good to be true. the relationships seems so genuine from afar, but once you know the up-close details, things are just not what they seem. Every woman deserves be treated like a queen. but what happens when she’s manipulating or coniving to get what she wants? the poor guy has no idea what he’s up against. and you’re stuck, thinking to yourself, he deserves better, so why couldn’t i be her? or, how about the guy that’s the complete and utter epitome of a dusche bag, but still manages to “fix” his mistakes by being a night in shining armor when he knows he’s f*cked up.

it’s quite frustrating trying to understand why relationships play out the way they do. why some people are always ready, always sure. and some, just can’t force themselves there. love is a tricky thing. it has a mind of it’s own. sometimes, we think we’re capable of love. we envision ourselves doing everything the right way. but, it’s not quite our time. such a harsh reality to accept when all you want is love. all you want is to be the first thought on someone’s mind in the morning and their last wish to meet you in their dreams for an unforgettable memory. love is all that encompasses your thoughts. but..you reach out for it and it’s constantly running, never seeming to be within your grasp.

so, all you can say is … what about me?

..and she told me..

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:39:04 GMT

love.

the road everyone wants to travel. the road that looks like an enjoyable experience from a distance. until you actually embark on the journey and realize all of the unexpected twists and turns. if you aren’t mentally and emotinally prepared for this journey, it can break you. exhaust you. and devastate you.

hmm, so why would anyone choose this path in life? i have the earthliest idea. knowing what i know now about relationships, and falling in love, it’s all about taking a risk. a selfless and certain decision. it’s not for the faint of heart. it takes so much time. consideration. sacrifice. communication. trust. honesty. loyalty. affection. dedication. oh my list could go on for days. most importantly, it requires work. but it should never feel like work.

after a recent change in a situation that was growing dear to my heart, i have done a lot of thinking about relationships, and everything buidling a successful one entails. fear. it keeps many of us from doing what could be very good for us. it takes an incredible amount of trust to even allow ourselves the opportunity. but how do you know when someone deserves a genuine chance?

is it after you realize that your eyes sparkle at the mention of their name? or the way you speak about them and how they make you feel? could it be that when you share stories of the two of you, your heart flutters from the butterflies in your stomach? there are so many signs, but how do you know which ones point down the aforementioned road that changes everything?

i was speaking to a girl friend about the new circumstance. and after i said i didn’t know the answer to why i feel the way i do, she simply told me what i could be ignoring or supressing for multiple reasons. but at the end of the day, i don’t know if she was right. maybe she was. but i wonder, how could she know … before …. me … which road i was on?

..u got played..

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:39:00 GMT

“U got played.” hmmm. that’s what someone said to me today. followed by the question, “do you see him stuck or hurting..over U?”

you can’t help but love the brutal honesty of someone kicking you while you’re already down. it’s so comforting to know that your friends won’t ever lie to you for the sake of anymore tears. thanks for being so selfless.

if you can’t sense the sarcasm, maybe this isn’t for you. one of the many situations that is going on undoubtably has to do with my heart and the feelings that come along with sharing it with someone else. i’m finally back in a place where i’m ready and willing to embark on a new journey. i’m emotionally attached. there’s no looking back. or is there?

does there ever come a time when you’re allowed to crawl in a hole and just be alone? i feel as though the recent surge of emotions may be proving a little much. maybe i’m wrong. maybe i should further examine my realities and continue to be hesitant about what it means to share your life with someone, especially when you feel there’s a certain level of avoidance, anyway.

i have a lot to offer someone. i can bring a lot to the table, more than just the physical and emotional aspects. this is not about building my ego or making myself feel better after the emotional rollercoaster i’ve been on. this is simply me being real with myself. at what point do you stop crying and just move on with your life, despite the potential you see in someone? there are issues upon issues that are unresolved. you can’t quite pinpoint where it all started going wrong. and then again, you’re not really sure if things are wrong. maybe you’re just overreacting.

all of this doubt is breaking my heart. i’m unsure of myself. i’m unsure of how someone feels about me. most of all, i’m unsure of my strength. i know exactly what my feelings are. and despite what my head says, i want to trust my heart this time. but maybe that’s why i was in the last predicament i was in. hmmm, when do we allow our past to stop dictating our future, realizing that just because people have similar tendences doesn’t mean they’re the same person or that the outcome will be the same.

…i think my writer’s block is starting to crumble.

..when a woman's sure..

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:37:00 GMT

One thing i have always been sure about was my feelings for someone else. when it comes to that particular emotion, i’ve never doubted myself. i’ve learned to trust my heart and know exactly what it is that i want. maybe that’s rare. maybe i was convincing myself of what i wanted to be my reality. but why am i not allowed to be sure? or trust myself?

i understand curiosity. i understand why people “date around.” it makes perfect sense. however, when you’ve found someone that makes you laugh, that gives you butterflies, what more is there that you would need? why can’t you put your heart on your sleeve and take a chance? leap out on faith.

people get involved all the time with someone that isn’t quite on the same level as them. someone understands the chances they want to take. someone else is always hesitant about the future, never allowing themselves to become fully involved because of the potential pain. it’s a natural fear. i’ve been there. i’ve felt it. and i’ve never wanted to go down that road again. i’ve wanted to know in my heart that i could trust what i was feeling and never doubt myself for reaching for what i believed in.

but when we’re unsure, we allow ourselves, and others, to convince us that things aren’t what they seem. we start to see “signs” that it shouldn’t work. but more commonly than not, our past heavily dictates our future. we tend to hold onto those that have once meant the world to us, always wanting more, regardless of the actual possibility of it happening. we let their feelings dictate what we can and will allow ourselves to feel for someone new. it’s a cycle that never ends.

what hurts more is when you think you’re on the same page as someone. you feel as though you’re both making progress. however, one of you is moving faster than the other. one is more confident in their steps, while the other is … unsure. maybe this is wrong. maybe this can’t be. not right now. you can’t convince someone the sky is bright and beautiful if they’re always wearing dark sunglasses, blocking the true beauty because of fear.

how long will someone that is sure allow themselves to be alone in that chapter? the heart says you’re willing. you have everything that you want. but his actions and words contradict. maybe it’s just my imagination, setting up my guard, just in case something does go wrong. i’m fully prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best. not a comforting feeling.

but it’s what happens…when a woman’s sure.

...a classic feeling...

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:36:00 GMT

when he touches me, ooo, does my heart not flutter with pure joy and anticipation. just for a moment, i feel like my entire existance is for real. my purpose is made clear and i am important to someone. he takes me into his arms, i feel his heart beat as he holds me closer. who doesn’t like to be held in such an embrace?! who doesn’t want to be wrapped in a warmth that can only be explained with silence? and when he lets go, looks me in my eyes, and gently kisses me, i’m in heaven. there’s nowhere else i would rather be at this precise moment. it doesn’t get any better than this.

when you’re listening to a song and every word they sing, from the words “that when i’m with you, i don’t want no one else” … to a part of the bridge: “i’m talking about every day and every night, and when i hold you in my arms, it’s just like heaven. nothing feels better.” and that’s a classic R&B song by the one and only Joe. how is it that someone can assure you, through a song, as simple as it is, that you aren’t losing your mind because of how you feel? you’re not the only one that loses all sense of reality when someone special looks at you.

or even better, you’re not the only one that has ever wanted someone to want you in the same way although they don’t quite feel it as intensely. it’d so nice if they just “realized what i just realized, then we’d be perfect for each other.” oh so simple, but says so much. what happens when you’re the first one to realize? and you just feel like the other person won’t ever catch up? the only thing you want, more than anything, is for them to think of you the same way.

it would never hurt for someone to think you’re heaven sent. because “i wanna be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from heaven. and there’s a piece of me who leaves when you’re gone. because you’re sent from heaven.” i could sit here all day and quote different songs that describe exactly how i’ve felt at one point in time. the butterflies never cease. the endless desire to be wanted is always present. the first thought when you wake up in the morning, the one you hope to see in your dreams at night, and the only thought that greets you in the morning.

it’s the beginning of my fairy tale. i’m still searching. some day. some how. someone will adore me. endlessly.

..fairy tale romance..

Tue, 13 May 2008 19:35:00 GMT

6.5 months ago i took a leap into a world i was completely unfamiliar with. i stepped onto faith in my world. a world that was now going to focus on me and the happiness i so rightfully deserved. for the longest, i was focused on ensuring someone else was happy with me, not that i was happy, too. it became a tedious process to understand that not everything should be a sacrifice. i was too young to be at a point where i was allowing myself to live for another person without earning a respect for the relationship and everything i had to offer.

love is beautiful. and it is one of the greatest, yet indescribable feelings, ever. and it doesn’t have to simply be romantic love. the love between a parent and child is beautiful. siblings. family. friends. requited love is the greatest. obviously.

and it has taken me quite a while to realize that i don’t have to settle for anything less than my fairy tale romance. yes, i believe in fairy tales, but notice i said my fairy tale. not that of cinderella, snow white, or the little mermaid. but my very own that i have dreamed of and will one day make my reality. my fairy tale is more than the romance we see in the movies, that we all know doesn’t really exist.

it’s simply rejoicing in the mutual respect for each other. the mutual appreciation for everything someone has to offer the relationship. people are always caught up in the “what can you do for me?” aspect of having a significant other, but they fail to realize that someone isn’t obligated to do something for them if they don’t want to. and it should be what can you do for us, if you’re going to be asking any questions. relationships are 50/50. i don’t ever want to feel that i love harder than the person i’m with, again. it’s semi-heartbreaking to be the only one feeling something to its fullest. being in love shouldn’t feel like a chore. it should just happen. because it’s in our nature.

another thing that gets to me about modern day relationships is the concept of allowing someone to complete you. what does that mean? the last time i checked, i was a whole person. i can fully function standing on my own. however, people use the phrase “you complete me” all the time and i can’t understand why. i want someone that is going to compliment me extremely well. i want someone that will be proud to stand next to me, not feeling as though my life depends on theirs, because without an important piece of you, life would cease. i wish everyone thought the same way about life and relationships to the point that they understood what it means to love yourself.

if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect somene else to?

..a mother's son..

Mon, 12 May 2008 19:22:00 GMT

so, today has been interesting. to say the least. there are certain people who you will always have a connection with, regardless of how they were introduced into your life or the connection that no longer remains. my last relationship brought some very special people into my life. his mom is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. i’ve appreciated her presence since day one. she is a little of a worrier. he’s very far from home and is her baby, so of course she is constantly worried about him. she hasn’t spoken to him since last Tuesday or Wednesday. that seems like quite a while, if you ask me. but then again, my relationship with my parents, my mom in general, is different than most. i talk to my mom everyday. yes, every single day.

at first, i felt like it was a bit much. during the beginning of college, it seemed more tedious than anything. it got kind of exhausting, but i learned to deal with it. you only have one mom. and after it’s all said and done, i don’t want to regret not having told her that i loved her as many times as i could have. so, i’m content in talking to her so much, although she knows how to call when it’s most convenient!

back to the point of this. i bring up today’s current search for the lost son because it got me to thinking. yesterday was mother’s day. everyone i’ve run into at work has asked about it in some way or another. mrs. b said her son didn’t even call yesterday. not a surprise to me. the fact that she’s now in tears because she can’t find him has me completely reflecting on something i’ve heard a time or two before: the way a young man treats his mother is every bit a reflection of how he will treat every other woman in his life. and it makes perfect sense. why would someone treat an ordinary person better than someone who merely gave him life? the pastor at church yesterday said that the love a child has for his mother is very different from the love they have for their father. and that is very real. dad is special, but mom has him beat on every day of the year, even on Father’s Day.

i just think it’s very important for a young woman to recognize how the guy she is interested in treats his mother. if he doesn’t feel the need to talk to her often [no, not everyday. that's not for everyone.] or feel the need to at least ease her fears of worrying about his safety, what makes any woman think he’s going to put her feelings first? people make fun of the mama’s boy. however, he makes the best husband. that love and dedication the relationship he has with his mother is going to show up in how he treats the woman in his life. and if it starts off that his relationship with his mother is distant, it’ll more than likely stay that way. how can you be comfortable building a relationship with a man that has no respect for the woman that brought him into this world? i understand parental relationships go through strain. it’s our human nature. but when our pride stands in the way of correcting or maintaing strong relationships, issues arise. i couldn’t see myself having children with a man that didn’t really care about his mom’s feelings. becoming the mother of his children could be the big teacher, but i just get the feeling that if he hadn’t learned to respect a woman by that stage in his life, he’s probably not going to learn just for the fun of it.

it’s funny the things that make us think about stuff like this. we’re at a point in our lives where we are beginning to build fruitful relationships. if you want to continue to play games, that’s all well and good for you, just be sure all players involved are aware of the rules. so often we get caught up in the glitz and glamour of falling in love that they ignore the clear signs that they’re headed for disaster. not everyone speaks from their heart, or means what they say. their actions speak much louder than anything coming out of their mouth. and history has a strong tendency to repeat itself.